Esssh this word…it used to give me shivers, like who wants to be vulnerable right?

Announcing this blog was probably one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in a while because it’s letting you lovely people into my personal thoughts and feelings…sharing my deepest, darkest moments. Showing you a side of me that even some of my closest people haven’t seen.

But what if I told you that being vulnerable actually EXUDES strength and helps other to be able to relate to you becoming more human (if that’s even possible).

Why is vulnerability so hard?

It’s literally like standing naked in front of everyone, bare bum cheeks to the wind. Probably because you are allowing people to see you for who you really are and gives them the opportunity to judge you. That’s the root problem, it’s the judgement.

For example, if I told you that you could be exactly who you want to be, speak your truth and never once feel judged or get hurt by anyone – you would probably be vulnerable all the time because it’s actually exhausting putting up a continuous front.

It even happened to me a few months ago, I bumped into an old friend of mine and when I saw her she looked STUNNING and I had decided that day to chuck on my ‘quick no one will see me’ outfit, so when I saw her I instantly felt, for a lack of a better word, CRAP.

We then arranged to meet up to catch up properly, suddenly I felt insecure in myself, I had put on an incredible amount of weight since the last time she saw me and seeing as that was something that I couldn’t hide, I felt the need to front it out.

Now my beautiful friend has a very pure sole and would not have thought any less of me but because of how I was feeling about myself – that didn’t even come to mind. She proceeded to ask me about my life and I EXAGGERRAATEDDD everything, I was outcheaa “living maaaa best life” and I even told a few white lies just to put the icing on the cake. Now her being the good person that she is, was nothing but happy for me and so proud of me (little did she know it wasn’t as rosy as one might have explained). She then started to open up about the struggles that she had been fighting through and was completely vulnerable with me. I. Felt. Like. Shit. What a bad friend I had been. I mean it’s totally out of character but because I was feeling less than in myself and insecure, I felt the need to stunt.

It didn’t stop there, it got worse. My friend was sooo proud of me that she told her Mum all the amazing things that I had exaggerated and then called me to share them with her Mum…

Oohhh my daayysss I wanted the ground to swallow me whole!

At this point I had committed, right? So I continued with my exaggerations and when I came off the phone I felt AWFUL! But obviously, I’m a proud, strong woman – I wasn’t going to admit my wrong doings…was I?

A couple months passed, and the guilt grew and grew. You see, God has been working in my lately, really pulling out all the crud in my life and restoring me but because I felt ashamed of what I had done, I started to shy away from what God wanted for me and my life. For a minute things were just silent, like I felt that I wasn’t necessarily doing wrong but I also wasn’t doing right.

I started reading this journal that helps you to transform your life and one of the devotions spoke about asking for forgiveness to those that you have wronged. BOOM! My friend and her mum were on my heart instantly – like my chest was literally burning from the guilt that I felt for pretending that my life was all okay, when it really wasn’t.

I prayed and fought about it, even putting the relationship between me and my friend to question…like “is she really a friend’, ‘does it really matter’, ‘will she even care’, ‘should I just move to Mexico and change my name to Maria’…like it was literally getting that bad. All because I didn’t want to confess, I mean if it was just her then it would have been manageable but her Mum..her MUM! The utter disrespect I had displayed and I didn’t want to lose either of them because they mean a great deal to me.

So I prayed that God would help me to ask for forgiveness, now this all happened in the lockdown – Coooronaaavirusss – so it felt like a bit of a cop out not doing face to face but they understood. So I proceeded to create a voicenote (or 8) to send to my friend as I wanted them both to hear what I had to say. I sent it and then panicked and thought it would be better to call so I deleted the voicenote I had sent via Whassssapp and then went to call but she called me first.

She called as I was calling ahhh it was all a mess. I answered the phone and stuttered through the conversation, she had already listened to the voicenote and shared it with her Mum. It was out there. IT WAS OUT THERE! I proceeded to grovel and my friend being the diamond that she is, forgave me instantly and if anything respected me even more than before. Even her Mum gave me nothing but love when I felt like I didn’t deserve it at all. They showed me more love in that moment which in turn allowed me to completely open up and be vulnerable with them. I felt completely at peace within myself and the bond that I now have with my friend and her Mum has grown tenfold. God had paved the way before me, to allow me to seek forgiveness and feel free.

I continued to tell my friend everything that had happened, we cried together and laughed together it was a beautiful moment in our friendship that only brought us closer together.

I was so caught up in what my friend was going to think of me that I completely forgot about who I was. I was worried that she was going to judge me and tell others all because I was judging myself and felt insecure. Being honest, confessing and being vulnerable with her highlighted growth and strength and it also helped her to understand the “why” of my situation which has created another support system.

Like you know, being vulnerable is not easy to begin with however the more you do and live your truth the easier it gets and the rewards can be amazing. Allowing others to see the human side of you, can inspire them and help you to get the support and advice that you need too.

I pray that you will find the strength to live your truth at all times, that God will highlight areas in your life where he needs to intervene. I pray that you find courage to correct situations with people around you that you may have hurt or forgive those that have hurt you. I pray that you remember your value at all times even when you may feel insecure, God made you in his image and has a divine purpose for your life, you are enough.