2020 was one of the hardest years for me emotionally, which is why you guys didn’t hear from me since April.
In the first lockdown I lost my Grandad (Dad’s Dad), was one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt. It completely threw me off course, I felt so upset and angry that I did anything to distract me from reality, I mean I bought a PS4 and completed GTA online (Yup I said completed it! Level 140 in 3 months – shout out to my GTA family – #BOGDANS4LIFE). I was put on furlough from work at the very beginning of lockdown – which in hindsight was definitely a blessing, but that meant that I was very alone with my feelings.
Living alone didn’t help, I closed myself off from everyone and couldn’t even begin to comprehend my emotions. Everyone around me reacted differently to the passing of my Grandad, which was one of the hardest things to understand. I couldn’t stop crying for a solid 2 weeks, where as other family members didn’t seem to show much emotion (they did, they just didn’t cry like I did) and it’s hard when you feel like you’re the only emotionally unstable one.
The hardest part of my Grandads passing was knowing that he wasn’t going to share those all important life occasions – the thought alone that my Grandad wasn’t going to be at my wedding or meet my children really tore at my heart & as if that wasn’t enough 2 months later we lost my Aunt (Grandmas Sister) and then a month later my other Aunt passed (Dad’s Sister). So for my family 2020 was filled with a lot of pain and loss and seeing that take it’s toll on the people you love the most is heart breaking not to mention that we couldn’t go to the funerals and had to watch via Zoom which was horrendous (even though the ceremonies where lovely). Not being able to hug your family during times like these is the worst thing in the world.
One thing I learnt throughout that period was that everyone handles grief differently and there is no right way to deal with it. I had a friend recently approach me after the passing of their Aunt and they were upset that they couldn’t cry. Now this completely spun me, because I was the crier that didn’t understand why everyone wasn’t crying – so I used this moment to learn more about how people handle grief so that I could best understand how some of my family reacted. He mentioned that he was so upset that the tears wouldn’t fall even though he desperately wanted them to, to show that he was grieving and that he was in fact upset. Instead he ended up throwing himself into his work and distractions as he felt like that helped him to process what had happened better.
After getting some deep counsel from the wisest of the wise – my mother, I understood that as humans we weren’t made to deal with death. MIND BLOWN! Of course we aren’t, God didn’t create us with the intention of us dying, that happened after the whole Garden of Eden Scandal. So with that being said I imagine grief as a human 404 error code which is why we all deal with it differently and we’re not sure how to handle it. But there are processes to help you through it – God doesn’t just leave us alone through these times.
Once I understood that it wasn’t Gods intention for people to die, I stopped being angry at him and asked him to give me peace and understanding. I knew my Grandad was a man of God when he died and that gave me great comfort that he was now living his BEST LIFE and that he had God’s right ear – constantly reminding God of his loved ones on earth (like having an inside man). After I prayed I felt this peace come over me like waves, sometimes we don’t understand God’s timing of purpose and maybe my G-Pops needed to go because something else needed to happen. It’s tough when we are left with so many unanswered questions but he will always be remembered, the man with the biggest heart.
I love you Grandpapa & I miss you so so much!
Love Always,
